The Very Secret NWN2 Diaries
by Llandaryn
Summary: Several years ago, myself and a couple of good folks collaborated on the Bioware forums on this piece of work. A parody of The Very Secret LOTR Diaries by Cassandra Claire. Credit given where due in the fic.
1. PlayerCharacter by Llandaryn

_~The Very Secret Diary of Gender-unspecified PC, Son/Daughter of Esmerelle~_

by Llandaryn

**Day 1**

Won harvest brawl with bestest best pals Bevil and Janie. Got terrible bruise on cheek but well worth it to beat Mossfeld brothers. Brother Merring awfully quick to offer to heal my wounds. Am slightly disturbed.

**Day 1.5**

Is my face red. Just discovered bestest best pal of many years actually called Amie, not Janie. Luckily she's dead, so it doesn't matter.

**Day 2**

Daeghun sending me to Neverwinter to meet long lost uncle and deliver shard which I dug up from swamp ruins. Looking forward to adventure but not trek through swamp full of dead people.

**Day 5**

Found a dwarf with shiny head and big axe. Wonder if he's compensating. Will find out on journey.

**Day 10**

Rescued half-demon woman from grabby soldiers. She's very grateful. Even pinched my buttocks when I turned around. At least, I think it was her. Khelgar looking very smug...

**Day 15**

Was ambushed by small dark people, luckily saved by alluring elven druid named Elanee. Tried to tell her that we don't want to go to Eridis but she threatened us with dire badger, so complying for now. Dire badger looks v. vicious and rabid.

**Day 20**

Fought giant bear and won. Dying bear said something about corrupted land but was too busy avoiding badger to pay much attention.

**Day 30**

Finally in Neverwinter. Met unwashed uncle in disturbingly empty tavern. Khelgar got drunk and started hitting on Elanee. As a result, had to send him to healers at temple of Tyr to have dire badger removed from uncomfortable place.

**Day 31**

Joined city watch and rescued sorceress from badly dressed academy students. In hindsight, wish I had killed them all. Sorceress v. whiny, also has nasty pyromaniac tendencies.

**Day 37**

Off to Old Owl Well to rescue some emissary. Have dreadful sense of foreboding.

**Day 40**

Seem to have acquired gnome. Not sure how. Whole incident rather perplexing, and as a result Khelgar will not shut up about spring-mounted mechanical codpiece. Suspect badger incident affected him more than he's letting on.

**Day 42**

Greycloak intel v. bad. Arrived at Bonegnasher lair to find nefarious wizard masquerading as emissary. Not sure why. Life of emissary hardly glamorous. Would have suggested masquerading as famous singer but had to kill him.

**Day 43**

Companions v. annoying. Khelgar refuses to shut up about codpiece. Neeshka keeps telling me how to pronounce her name, even when not asked. Elanee harping on about the land. Qara whining that it's too hot, or too cold, or too orcy. Have told her 'orc caves, what do you expect?'. Grobnar trying to design saddle for Elanee's dire badger. Suspect I will soon wish we brought a healer with us.

**Day 45**

Ran into holy warrior. Elanee and Qara making puppy-eyes at him. Khelgar tried to examine his codpiece and got concussion for trouble. Paladin agreed to lead us to Eyegouger lair. Hope name not indicative of pastimes.

**Day 51**

Rescued Emissary, killed big orc chieftain, now heading back to Neverwinter. Casavir annoying me by keep mentioning Old Owl Well, so had Grobnar paint "I love Cyric" on the back of his armour as he slept.

In other news, design for dire badger saddle coming along nicely. Dire badger oddly reluctant to bite gnome. Grobnar mentioned something about badger liking small hands, but I conveniently blanked out rest of conversation. Probably better not knowing.

**Day 60**

Beginning to suspect have peeved off major deity. Everybody I meet wants to kill me. Got invited to surprise party at Archives but turns out was just another ambush by githyanki. V. depressing as lead githyanki v. hot.

**Day 64**

Githyanki kidnapped Shandra. Believe they are jealous of her long blonde hair, and the way she always touches my arm whilst pouting. Am rather glad to be rid of the little whinger but Casavir insists we rescue her. Bloody holy warriors. Have enlisted help of angsty unwashed ranger in tracking githyanki. Must remember to ask him where he gets eyeliner.

**Day 69**

Have been ambushed yet again. Luckily stalwart companions more than match for pimply githyanki nerds. Casavir keeps offering to lay hands on Bishop. Suspect it is excuse for manly cuddle. Bishop not buying it.

**Day 74**

Made gentle suggestion to Bishop that he have bath but he threatened to shoot me in the head if mentioned again. Have come to believe that he has issues. Khelgar continues to attempt sneaking into Casavir's pants. Grobnar has abandoned dire badger saddle and turned to designing new improved eyeliner pencil.

Wish I had brought the women along instead.

**Day 80**

Rescued Shandra and almost back to Flagon. Group shenanigans continue. Discovered I have shard of broken githyanki sword lodged in my chest. Am surprised, as Brother Merring's rather in-depth medical examinations never mentioned this. Am considering asking for refund.

**Day 81**

Have been accused of slaughtering entire village of innocents.

Bugger.

**Day 83**

Am heading back to Ember with effeminate elven wizard and rest of miscreants. Met some nice people in Port Llast. Have been invited to party there next week, providing am still alive then.

**Day 86**

Befriended tribe of goblins and giant magical spider. Suspect spider more intelligent than entire party combined. Offered to feed it Grobnar but it waved its legs in horror and ran away.

Definitely intelligent.

**Day 90**

Have been proven innocent by court of law but skanky Luskan bint claimed right of Tyr. Must now fight Vin Diesel. Crap.

**Day 90.5**

Spent hours staring at boring statue. Sand stopped by for encouraging pep talk and reassuring cuddle. Hinted that he wanted to take our relationship to the next level. Told him to wait until after fight. Bishop also stopped by. Tried to cuddle me but told him to bathe first, so he stomped off in a sulk.

Khelgar offered to fight Lorne for me, but at time I thought he said "Do you want to see my underpants?" Told him no before realised that wasn't what he asked. Must pay more attention in future.

**Day 93**

Won fight against Lorne and am now being sent by Lord Nasher to Crossroad Keep to rescue kidnapped sage and thwart evil wizard's plans to become one with King of Shadows.

Am I the only competent person in the realm?

**Day 96**

Have thwarted evil wizard's plans, rescued githzerai woman from Keep, and survived another trying journey with companions. On down side, missed the party in Port Llast. Amused self instead by stealing Bishop's eyeliner and hiding it in Casavir's backpack.

Overheard Sand say to Grobnar that he wants to take their relationship to the next level. Have become disillusioned about whole elven race.

Neeshka still pinching my buttocks when my back is turned. Am tempted to sleep with her just to spite Sand.

**Day 105**

Have been lumbered with crumbling Keep as punishment for offering hair-loss reversal tonic to Lord Nasher. Am rather peeved, as was hoping to elope with Neeshka. Casavir obviously jealous of our relationship as keeps mentioning his abilities with his hands.

In other news, am informed by Grobnar that Khelgar is indeed over-compensating with large axe. Am slightly disturbed by newest member of group. Zhjaeve keeps saying she knows me. Is making Neeshka jealous. Asked her if she knew where Bishop was hiding his supply of eyeliner pencils but she just said "know that I believe in you, Kalach'Cha." Beginning to suspect she suffers same affliction as the gnome.

**Day 107**

Completed four parts of Ritual of Purification, only to find fifth statue destroyed by Shadow Reaver. Major pain in the neck. Was hoping to demonstrate new abilities as party trick during annual Neverwinter dance next week. Sparkly magic lights would probably have gone down better than dirty jokes.

Also discovered home village destroyed. Will miss Brother Merring.

**Day 110**

Following advice from Aldanon, have travelled to Ammon Jerro's haven. Gained entry and killed many demons but Ammon killed Shandra before we could stop him. Suspect Ammon was jealous of her long blonde hair. Wonder why bald men so common. Derived immense pleasure from telling Casavir and Bishop that their own hair loss is inevitable. As a result, alignment shifted to chaotic evil.

It was worth it.

**Day 112**

Nevalle, that poncy git, dragged me back to Castle Never to be knighted. Was pleased that large crowd turned up for party, but not so surprised when party turned into ambush. Fought way to Lord Nasher and asked him about acquiring harem of maidens to go with new knighthood and Keep. He just laughed and clapped my shoulder in friendly manner.

?

**Day 123**

As per Nasher have consolidated alliances with dwarves and lizardmen. Tried to find place where Grobnar assured me Wendersnaven were holding massive party, but got ambushed by orcs. Had Neeshka paint 'paladins get me horny' on back of Grobnar's armour as he slept.

Likewise, druid Circle turned out to be dead end. Druid corrupted by taint of the land, possibly related to large talking tree. Killed them all and let Qara burn the tree. Also let Bishop kill Elanee. Am disturbed by his attack cry of 'And that is for rejecting my wholesome and well-intentioned advances!'

Zhjaeve continues to assure me that she knows me. Ammon won't shut up about the hells. Does my entire party have issues?

**Day 126**

Have reforged Sword of Gith. Major anticlimax. Got ambushed by Reaver and his undead minions but used new sword to kick undead butt.

**Day 127**

Invited to sleep-over party by Sydney Natale. Wanted to take dire badger as partner but Sydney invited Qara and Zhjaeve too. Am unsure why. Sand cuddled me before he left but was blatant attempt to make Neeshka jealous. Told him he would never lead me astray.

**Day 130**

Big sleep-over party turned out to be ambush. Am most displeased.

**Day 136**

Nasher wounded in battle near Keep but sadly survived. Have been reliably informed that this Keep is only thing standing between countless hordes of unstoppable undead and Neverwinter.

Crap.

**Day 137**

Night before battle. Everybody being melancholy. Sand came into my bedroom for reassuring cuddle. Managed to distract him with Guyven. Zhjaeve showed up and told me she wanted to know me better. Informed her that timing wasn't right. Casavir also stopped by wanting to talk about Old Owl well. Redirected him to guidance counselor. Bishop tried to sneak into my room but told him stolen eyeliners not here. Don't think he believed me but left when I threatened to give him bath. After that I switched rooms with Guyven, otherwise would never have got full 8 hrs beauty sleep.

**Day 138**

Have been betrayed by Bishop. Should've seen it coming. Think last bath joke pushed him too far. Casavir v. angry. Suspect he would have liked last cuddle with ranger before he ran off.

Managed to defeat unholy avatar of King of Shadows. Also had Ammon read true name scroll of Garius, but bloody coward ran away before party could kill him.

**Day 139**

Teleported by Aldanon to Illefarn ruins. Neeshka magically kidnapped by Garius. Garius undoubtedly jealous of our relationship. Am trying to think of witty repartee for when we find him.

**Day 139.5**

Fought way through legions of undead, finally recovered Neeshka. She has been tortured, but Casavir leapt at chance to touch her. Told him not to be so grabby.

Also found Bishop. He told large tale about troubled background and his feelings to explain why he betrayed us. Who do I look like, Oprah? Managed to get him to leave by telling him where he could find stash of hidden eyeliners.

Qara joined forces with Garius. Not all that surprising. Always knew she was jealous of reassuring cuddles given to Sand.

Managed to defeat Garius and Qara, and am now facing King of Shadows. He has offered me chance to serve the shadow by killing all of my companions.

Am sorely tempted to accept.


	2. Bishop by Llandaryn

_~The Very Secret Diary of Bishop, Son of a *****~_

by Llandaryn

**Day 1**

Githyanki killed: 7. V. good.

Got blackmailed into chasing farmgirl. Duncan v. annoying, but hot niece. Paladin staring at me. Hope he just wants makeup recommendations.

Not washed.

**Day 4**

Githyanki killed: 0. Slow day.

Still following Gith. Got ambushed yesterday. Had fun, but got hole in armour. V. miffed.

Still not washed.

**Day 12**

Githyanki killed: 2.

Suspect gnome of tying flowers in my hair as I sleep. Woke up this morning to daisies. Casavir tried to steal my eyeliner, so punched him. Need to get laid soon. Even elf beginning to look hot.

**Day 16**

Githyanki killed: 76. V. v. good!

Met angry Gith woman, but killed her. Rescued farmgirl and heading back to Flagon. Had accidental bathing when paladin pushed me into nearby river. Suspect paladin very confused. Punched him for good measure.

**Day 31**

Bathing update: still unclean. For some reason is not deterring paladin. Will try rolling in cow dung later.

Caught gnome in act of plaiting forget-me-nots in my hair, but prevented from killing him by leader. Tried to fondle elf druid but was attacked by faithful dire badger. V. painful.

**Day 40**

Anything killed: 0. Not good. Think I am losing edge. Also running out of eyeliner.

Watched leader kill Lorne in fight to the death. Was oddly disappointed at outcome. Lorne was kind of hot.

**Day 81**

Fed up of people bossing me around, also of female party members rejecting my wholesome and well-intentioned advances. Betrayed leader under guise of self-interest but suspect will come to regret decision as left supply of eyeliner at Keep. Also left animal companion there too. Also, undead not hot at all.

Bugger.

Still not washed.


	3. Grobnar by Llandaryn

_~The Very Secret Diary of Grobnar Ghomehands, Son of Bobnar Gnomehands, Son of Robnar "the bear-eater" Gnomehands, Son of Illegitimate Gnomehands Snr~_

by Llandaryn

**Day 1**

Am suffering from most awful case of diarrhea. Picked wrong sort of whitethistle. My bad. Stomach feels like is going to explode more violently than barrel of blastglobes. Luckily, have managed to attach self to group of adventurers who are on noble quest to search for lost nubile princess of some foreign land. Terribly nice of them to let me join in the fun.

**Day 3**

Stomach much recovered. Had fun with crate of ancient blastglobes earlier, but am unsure of current travelling companions. Dwarven chap will not shut up about spring-mounted mechanical codpiece. Wish I had never mentioned it.

**Day 5**

Lost nubile princess of foreign land turned out to be nefarious wizard of questionable intent. Not really sure what happened to the princess, but believe we will find her before the dragon razes the village to the ground.

**Day 10**

Have been informed that there is no nubile princess, no dragon, and no village. Am somewhat perplexed as to how the whole princess confusion arose. Ah well, as Uncle Touchme Gnomehands once said 'If you can dream it, a Gnomehands can build it. Or destroy it, and then rebuild it bigger and better." Will start looking for schematics for nubile princess, but fear dragon and village might be harder to make.

In other news, encountered Paladin of Tyr whilst frolicking with adventurer pals. Neeshka seems to be scratching self a lot. Have made mental note to design tiefling flea collar.

**Day 13**

Was having informative chat with pleasant Eyegouger fellow when rest of party attacked him. Starting to believe may have fallen in with 'wrong sort'. Luckily, plans for dire badger saddle continue uninterrupted, though having trouble getting miniature trebuchet to stay in place. Have been asked by leader to paint "I love Cyric" on back of Sir Casavir's armour. Don't know why but agreed anyway.

**Day 21**

Have been practising ancient Gnomehands art of daisy-chain construction. Many failures, but have decorated Sir Bishop with unsuccessful attempts, so not total loss. Eventually will get it right. Only so long until first daisy-chain dragon is complete.

**Day 24**

Seem to be in some rather remarkable Illefarn ruins. Don't really remember how we got here. Rest of companions not having fun. Sir Casavir continually trying to fondle Sir Bishop, but playful advances being rebuffed with alarming force. At Sir Bishop's behest, have turned attention towards designing new and improved eyeliner pencil.

What's eyeliner?

**Day ?**

Oh my, seem to have lost track of time. Having loads of fun with new toy. Suspect Blade Golem (nicknamed 'Mr. Spikey') originally used for nefarious purposes. This confirmed by command codes discovered deep in Mr. Spikey's programming. Instructions merely read; "Kill". "Don't stop." Am considering adding new command for "fetch anti-diarrhea tonic" owing to continued problem with whitethistle.

**Day 40-ish**

Sir Casavir terribly angry with me. Whilst on journey to Port Llast attempted to help him improve combat expertise by painting go-faster racing stripes on paladin-armour. Excessive profanity ensued. Was rather suprised to learn that Tyr has a mother.

**Day 55?**

Had to watch leader perform for humongous crowd. Not sure why everybody cheering. Performance too violent for my taste. Started off well but second performer attacked leader. Tried to summon daisy-chain dragon to assist leader but did not work. V. disappointing. Should have used the dire badger instead.

**Day 58**

Was mildly surprised that Sand wants to take our relationship to next level, as had not known we even had relationship. Had actually thought that Sand was the red-haired girl. Tried to tell him that gnomes and elves not physiologically compatible but he kept talking about foot-stools. Asked Sir Casavir for clarification but was met with icy hostility. Sir Bishop only sniggered. Asked Khelgar, who ran off crying and talking about ending his life. Wonder if rest of party got into those hallucinogenic chocolates I designed last week...

**Day 70. Maybe.**

Have been given wonderful work space in ominous blood-soaked dungeon of Keep. Have already moved Mr. Spikey and all important components into new room. Could not encourage dire badger down stairs, however, have discovered giant spider. Will begin drawing up plans for projectile-firing spider shock troops immediately.

**Day 70.5**

Important note to self: Do not sing "Incy Wincy Spider" in presence of giant spiders. If I do not find my anti-venom potion in time, please send my toxin-ravaged body back to Lantan for scientific research.

**Day eightysomething**

Wheeeeee! Knight-Captain leader person has installed covert CCTV in Keep. Every room now covered by camera. Blood-soaked dungeon being slowly turned into hi-tech centre of operations. When questioned why my work space being used, was informed that nobody else comes down here. Reluctantly forced to cede this point.

**Day eightysomethingelse**

Am worried about Knight-Captain. Suspect it is not healthy to sit in blood-soaked dungeon all day staring at companions undressing on CCTV system. Would mention something about it but have to admit, am finding sight of Zhjaeve undressing on a daily basis to be strangely alluring. Brought popcorn for Knight-Captain and we had good chuckle at Sir Bishop's expense. Will suggest taping these sessions.

**Day 105**

Have managed to turn Mr. Spikey into impromptu VCR. Knight-Captain believes this will be instrumental in defeating hordes of undead which are apparently marching towards us. Can't imagine why, but have put aside other concerns to complete work on daisy-chain dragon. Am confident that flower power will save us.

**Day 112**

Sir Bishop has left us. Unsure why, though in hindsight, showing wide-screen playback of him in bedroom wearing Qara's girly wizard robe while singing "Dancing Queen" may not have been good idea. Though must admit, was good for troop moral. Can't remember last time I saw so many people laughing. Sir Casavir tried to get in last minute cuddle with Sir Bishop before he left, but was rebuffed as usual.

**Day 113**

Am trekking through more Illefarn ruins. Hope to find companion for Mr. Spikey. Blade Golem looking v. lonely of late. Wonder if possible to start up Blade Golem breeding program. Worth further consideration if survive current impending doom. Only regret is that daisy-chain dragon never finished.


	4. Neeshka by Llandaryn

_~The Very Secret Diary of Neeshka, Daughter of Horny Devil~_

by Llandaryn

**Day 1**

Accosted by groupies from Fort Locke. Obviously recognised me as Neverwinter's greatest thief, but got overly grabby. Tried to offer them autograph as distraction but was instead attacked. Timely rescue by attractive swamp-farmer and pet dwarf.

**Day 2**

Pet dwarf keeps making suggestive comments about my tail. Might have agreed to certain requests but whilst checking through his pockets for loot, discovered that he is compensating with big dwarven axe. Have now turned attentions to leader. Will make my move when I am sure of gender.

**Day 5**

Attempts to woo leader interrupted by arrival of skanky tree-hugging elf wearing hobo rags. Khelgar tried to get in her pants but prevented by druid's faithful badger companion. Dwarf running around with badger down his pants v. amusing to see.

**Day 10**

Led by skanky elf to middle of nowhere to kill large number of cuddly animals. Am surprised as had thought druids only interested in live animals.

**Day 20**

Am back home in Neverwinter. Met some old friends who tried to kill me. Are obviously jealous of my status as #1 thief in city.

Am considering accidentally backstabbing elf if she does not stop fawning over leader. Told leader not to be fooled by her coy looks and breathy gasps of alarm whenever danger close by, but suspect am losing battle. Hate elves soooooo much. Tail-less freaks.

**Day 21**

Forced to join city watch by leader. Am off now to throw self from Dolphin Bridge.

**Day 21.5**

Prevented from throwing self off bridge by dwarf attached like horny dog to my leg. Khelgar too heavy to lift. Am now going for shower instead.

**Day 24**

Met old flame but did not end well. Suspect Leldon still mad that I referred to him as "little man" in last love letter. Not my fault that he has small charisma.

**Day 27**

Travelling to Old Owl Well to rescue potentially wealthy person from... whatever. Have been assured that many rich people live in Old Owl Well. Am looking forward to carrying out my civic duty there.

**Day 35**

Have been thoroughly screwed over. Old Owl Well full of nothing but rocks and grey-cloaks. Worse, group joined by Paladin of Tyr. Can already feel my skin itching... will undoubtedly be forced to accidentally backstab someone due to ensuing self-righteous paladin behaviour.

**Day 50**

Casavir oblivious to leader's advances. Beginning to suspect he has deep-rooted emotional problems.

Have been reading "How to be a hypnotist in 10 easy steps". First trial proved successful when managed to force skanky elf into singing "I'm a little teapot" whilst in major combat with githyanki. Was most amused when lead githyanki stopped fight to try to tip her over.

**Day 70**

Was so busy robbing people that did not notice Shandra been kidnapped by gith. Am major peeved as suspect githyanki sword stalkers very wealthy. Since am left at Flagon with skanky elf and whining sorceress, have decided to amuse self through acts of petty larceny. Have already broken into Khelgar's room and discovered stash of "Play Dwarf". Dwarven women v. scary. Facial hair most off-putting. Also came across most disturbing thing ever seen whilst searching Casavir's room; found pictures of semi-naked, toned, tanned men with rippling torsos, but all heads cut off and replaced with Bishop's. Poured bleach in my eyes to attempt to scour images from mind, but failed when Elanee healed me.

Stupid druids.

**Day 71**

Teehee! Continued rifling through stuff that is not mine turned up love letters from Khelgar to Grobnar. All letters addressed "To my little gnomey-womey" and signed "Your manly stud, Khelgar 'THE MAN' Ironfist." Return letter from Grobnar reads "Sir Khelgar. Am unsure where the dragon comes into this. Please clarify. Grobnar."

**Day 83**

Watched leader fight to death against tall bald man with big weapon. Beginning to wonder if all bald men using big weapons to mask inferiority complexes.

**Day 84**

Am bored, so hypnotised Bishop and forced him to bury his own eyeliner pencil in shallow grave. Made subtle suggestion that Casavir stole it. Will watch ensuing arguments with malicious glee.

**Day 94**

Have been proposed to by leader! V. surprised as did not think my buttock-pinching having any effect. Was beginning to think leader suffering from Casavir Syndrome. Have accepted offer as no better offers forthcoming; Khelgar too loose. Grobnar only has eyes for genderless magically animated matter. Sand possibly a woman in disguise. Casavir continues trying to fondle Bishop. Bishop only interested in eyeliner. Though have seen him looking at Elanee's pet badger in disturbing manner too...

**Day 95**

Prevented from eloping with leader by Lord Nasher who lumbered leader with crumble-down Keep. Stupid bald git. Cannot help notice that he carries big weapon everywhere with him.

?

**Day 102**

Nasher called leader back to Neverwinter for quick grope under guise of knighthood ceremony and massive booze-up. But I will have the last laugh when Nasher next drinks from his POISONED chalice.

**Day 103**

Bugger. Mis-labelled herb packages. Turns out have administered laxatives to Nasher instead of deadly neurotoxin. Hope Nasher appreciates being slightly more regular. But probably not for very long as have applied coat of poison to his stash of toilet paper.

**Day 117**

Beloved leader invited to sleep-over party with greasy Luskan wizard. Have asked Sand to scry on party and now rest of group gathered to watch shenanigans projected onto wall.

**Day 117.5**

Haha Qara admitted to leader and Zhjaeve that she has crush on Bishop. Bishop looks v. embarrassed and now Casavir in big sulk. Cannot believe we did not ask Sand to do this earlier.

**Day 128**

Following fallout from continuing ridicule of Qara's crush, Bishop has betrayed us all and run off to presumably become whipping-boy of skeletal undead wizard. Was kind of sad to see him go as he was only man in group who was not afraid to carry small weapon.

Suspect Khelgar has been corrupting whole Keep. Picked through Aldanon's pockets before battle, found copy of Play Dwarf edition #563 - Dwarven Girls With Big Knockers. Unfortunately cannot find bleach to cleanse eyes.

**Day 129**

Have been abducted from Illefarn ruins by Garius and tortured into compliance. Whilst waiting for heroic rescue have rifled through Garius' pockets but too afraid to write down what found.


	5. Sand by Sisanae

_~The Very Secret Diaries of Sand, secret lovechild of Elrond and Lucius Malfoy~_

by Sisanae

**Day One:**

Was visited by Nevalle this morning. Not unusual – often stops by for Gnome Pornography and assorted sanitary products. Shouldn't have made witty remark over a certain Knight's manhood - have somehow been shanghaied into playing lawyer for rather angsty and smelly hero. Afternoons spent watching 'Judge Judy' are finally going to pay off. Meeting said hero tomorrow.

Hair Status: Impeccable.

Sarcasm-Meter: Medium.

**Day Two:**

Hero smells badly of swamp, and pineapples. Not as bad as ranger, who is severely in need of bath. Planning on buying air freshener at earliest opportunity. Also, have been dragged off to Port Llast with Hero and group of raving madmen. Have already made enemies at least two of them. Suspect they wish to know how I get my hair so silky and soft. Met nice lady in pub who offered to 'show me a good time', but Hero told her to 'bugger off'. I'm definitely In there.

Hair Status: Slightly Fly-Away

Sarcasm-Meter: Feelin' hot hot hot.

**Day Six:**

Facing Luskan prostitute in court today. Spent past days digging up 'evidence'/ creating any whenever goody-two-shoes paladin's back was turned. Beginning to suspect Hero isn't romantically inclined – refused offer to return to my shop for last minute 'practice'. Must resort to desperate measures. Intend on seducing the hippy later. Managed to reduce paladin to tears by telling him 'that sometimes you have to be evil to be good'. Hahaha. Idiot.

Hair Status: Lookin' good.

Sarcasm-Meter: High.

**Day SixPointLater:**

Won trial by reciting long speech, whilst Hero ran around clobbering anyone opposing us. Made successful crack about Luskan Hooker's attire. Ka-ching. Sneaky harpy's done her homework; claimed Right of Trial by Combat. Sore loser.

Tree-hugger refused offer to inspect my 'staff' – have just finished re-attaching vital areas removed by dire badger. Am fully intending on sneaking into Hero's room tonight before going after clearly crazy gnome. Standards definitely dropping; still... two-hundred years since last got laid, and counting.

Hair Status: Shiny Shiny

Sarcasm-Meter: Low.

**DaySixPointLaterLater:**

Suspect paladin is developing obsession. Asked for help on 'wooing' Swamp Hero. Told him to 'carry on acting like stick up lower regions'. Believe that big picture-book required to teach paladin sarcasm.

Swamp Hero asked for help in big, silly fight. Offered vials of unknown substance that has been kicking about in back of alchemy bench for several decades. Suspect is healing potion, but not quite sure.

Severely annoyed at Hero for lumbering me with suicidal paladin, who is trying to drown self in two centimetres of water after being told that Tyr enjoys cross-dressing.

Hair Status: Somewhat wet from paladin's splashing.

Sarcasm-Meter: Overload.

**Day Seven:**

Despite huge odds Swamp Hero (and angst-ridden paladin) still alive. Did in fact miss most of fight – was busy avoiding perverted dwarf who has been making suggestive hand-puppets.

Found label from aforesaid vials of unknown substance (also at back of alchemy bench). Label somewhat torn but suspect says "Hex-Lax". On plus side, Swamp Hero needing bed-rest anyway.

Have composed naughty limerick with which to entice gnome. Plan on 'going into action' after saving Neverwinter (again) from evil wizard dude, who is undergoing ritual in order to make self more pretty. Having met said wizard, feel it is definitely justified.

Hair Status: Bit Frizzy.

Sarcasm-Meter: Medium.

**Day Ten:**

Am extremely happy. Now have very own Library to conduct research into improving sarcasm. Downside, have to share with mentally-unstable sage, but is bearable when kept away from sharp or shiny things.

Hair Status: Perfect, not going outside as much. Wind + Rain = Not good for roots.

Sarcasm-Meter: Being fixed.

**Day Thirteen:**

Feeling disturbed - being spied on by whiney, drab haired sorceress. Have looked up from desk several times and seen her watching through Library doorway. Suspect she is up to something.

Managed to successfully throw book at Nevalle through Library window. Knight now has very large lump on back of head. Tehehe.

Hair Status: I amaze myself.

Sarcasm-Meter: Low. Must be all these books…

**Day Fifteen:**

Swamp Hero has returned from latest pointless escapade, along with stupid sorceress. Have already asked for her to be moved – believe she has invading my personal shampoo supplies. Hair looks suspiciously shiny and flake-free.

Swamp Hero declined, said that girl had 'special reasons'.

V. worried.

Hair Status: Less shiny than usual.

Sarcasm-Meter: Medium.

**Day Eighteen:**

Life not fair. Swamp Hero has left for 'Meeting' with podgy Hosttower Mage.

Even with all of their 'issues', Hero still gets more action than me - even got gith and bloody sorceress to join in!

V. angry. Going to hide Hero's collection of humorous-yet-erotic Dwarven Figurines until apologizes. Huggle to follow.

**Day Twenty-one:**

Have been thrown out of room so it can be used by bald, smelly Lord. Severely hoping he does not look under bed – Image of witty, sensible, straight moon elf might be destroyed by pictures of shirtless Grobnar.

Have found out sorceress has been reading diary. Tried to blackmail me, but threw large tome on Staff Uses at her head. Will probably recover in few days.

Caught Ranger stealing shampoo. Confused, as he still appears unwashed. However, have noticed Khelgar's beard more shiny than usual…

**Day Twenty-Two:**

Used another tome to transport to Vale. Have accidentally arrived in wrong place – believe had been reading book upside down.

Meddling tiefling vanished – means Swamp Hero all mine!

Mwhahahaha!

Think spending all that time inside has made me peculiar.

**Day Twenty-TwoPointLater:**

Woke up after nap to discover a hair on pillow.

THINK AM GOING BALD!111!1!

Attempted to glue hair back on, but was informed by Hero that Prittstick isn't meant to be used…there.

In other news, am going to face huge unstoppable evil.

Hope afterlife has good hair salons.


	6. Qara by Aslan Cross

_~The Very Secret Diary of Qara~_

by Aslan Cross (aslancross dot wordpress dot com)

**Day 1**

Glenna and her girlfriend talked down to me after finding me in the docks. Wanted to turn their hair into ash but was stopped by a very angry, very territorial, and VERY ANNOYING half-elf tavern owner. Owner's nephew says I should work as tavern girl. Wanted to burn down tavern, but half-elf is scary. Oh well.

**Day 2.**

Bald dwarf and horned thief insulting each other and failing miserably. I try to teach them a thing or two but Short Stuff tries to insult ME. AS IF. Baldy McShortstuff gets burned. Metaphorically. Really want to cast Burning Hands on him.

**Day 3.**

Leader says we need to go to Old Owl Well. I do NOT want to go to the boondocks, but Leader is too Lawful. Oh well. Trip is very boring. I decide to amuse myself by using elf druid's animal companion as a torch. Elf calls me an enemy of nature. I didn't know she could use fire too.

**Day 5.**

Met silly gnome bard along the way. He's kinda c*this part is burned out*. NO, I DON'T MEAN IN THAT WAY. *burn mark here* Gnome keeps talking about spring-mounted codpiece. That sounds like fun. *burn mark here*

**Day 7.**

Old Owl Well is BORING. I mean, books are boring in one way, but the Sticks give a whole new meaning to BORING. Good thing we're going to be fighting orcs. Hope it starts soon or I'll fail my Will Save vs. Boredom.

**Day 8.**

Troll attack. I loooove the smell of Fireball in the morning. Gnome not so cute anymore. He sings off-key and sings VILLAGE PEOPLE songs. I want to use his lute as firewood.

**Day 9.**

This day was really fun. Blew up a rockslide. I didn't know Orc hair was highly flammable. It's too greasy.

**Day 12.**

When will these Orc tunnels end? Gnome's singing does NOT HELP. I suggest that he try singing Rhapsody of Fire songs instead. He says he'll give them a try.

**Day 14.**

Gnome says Rhapsody of Fire songs are too dark. No one appreciates my tastes. I set fire to Gnome's codpiece for that. I'm afraid he actually liked it. *burn mark here*

**Day 16.**

We met a Paladin today. Stopped liking him the moment he opened his mouth. I told him that the pomade he uses for his hair catches fire as easily as orc grease. He stopped offering to carry my pack after that.

**Day 20.**

Ew. Ew. EW. Found lots of dead people in the Orc Lair. Found an old friend who was dying too. ;_; I was able to amuse myself by setting the Shadow Priest on fire, though.

**Day 30.**

I'm sooooo tired of frying Orcs. they don't smell very good when on fire.

**Day 36.**

Finally back to NEverwinter. I need a bath, but I set fire to the tub because the nasty layabout eyeliner-using ranger in the Flagon keeps peeping. I thought he said he'd go to the brothel.

**Day 40.**

Went to the Neverwinter Archives. Too many books. Kill me now. Burned some Giths, though.

**Day 42.**

Went to the boondocks again to meet a blond farm girl. She hates our leader. She still thinks the Githyanki set fire to her house. Shh, don't tell.

**Day 45.**

Had to go to Ember (teehee) with Mr. Eyeliner. Ew. I wonder if our leader will appreciate roast wolf tonight.

**Day 47.**

Fried a lot of Giths today. Demons are annoying, though, being resistant to fire. Running out of spells too quickly. Oh, Casavir failed his will save versus Tasha's Hideous Laughter. We never even knew he could laugh. The creepy thing is, he was laughing about OLD OWL WELL. What gives? Mr. Eyeliner couldn't stop laughing too.

**Day 53.**

Back to Neverwinter. Our leader is accused of murdering Ember. Nasher made the ANNNOOOOOOOYINGGG sarcastic elf wizard join us. It doesn't help that's he's Lawful. I mean, Lawful Good people can be nice sometimes, but Lawful Neutral characters are just no fun.

**Day 55.**

Our leader was able to win the trial, but the badly-dressed Luskan ambassador invoked trial by combat. Leader told me to fight in his place. Yay, burnination time.

**Day 56.**

Never had so much fun! Big bald barbarian's hide armor very flammable. Nasher was very angry at Luskan ambassador, I wanted to volunteer to set her ugly skank dress on fire.

**Day 57.**

Sarcastic elf won't stop being sarcastic. Will soon fail will save vs. "Temptation to incinerate."

**Day 63.**

Hells, THAT WAS FUUUUN. I didn't know Luskan wizards burned so well. Too bad I didn't get to set fire to Black Garius's codpiece.

**Day 67.**

Now at ancient Illefarn ruins. Why are Goblins so hard to burn? Fireball no longer sufficient. Need higher level spells, but Sorcerer class can't learn spells from scrolls. Beginning to wish I read more. Sand won't leave me alone about it.

**Day 75.**

Had to go through fire elementals to enter blond girl's grandpa's secret fortress. Beginning to rethink obsession with fire.

**Day 78.**

We fought the old warlock. He's actually kind of hot.

**Day 79.**

GASP. He's Shandra's grandpa. Feeling sick now, failed Fortitude Save vs Nausea. Ew. Ew. Ew. EW.

**Day 80.**

Talked with Grandpa. He said he likes Rhapsody of Fire too. I wanted to ask him to burn me some copies but he told me to go bother Grobnar instead.

**Day 120.**

Currently on big volcano fighting Fire Giants. Rethinking obsession with fire again.

**Day 125.**

Fought red dragon. Felt really useless in battle. Sand won't leave me alone about it, as usual.

**Day 126.**

Leader left me at Keep with Grobnar and Mr. Eyeliner. Grobnar converted the blade golem to a bard golem, meaning it will follow him around AMPLIFYING his already HORRIBLE voice, and it will be IMPOSSIBLE for me to shut him up because the construct is too tough.

Thankfully Zhjaeve didn't like it either and cast Silence. I wish arcane casters could learn Silence. :/

**Day 127.**

Still stuck at Keep. Grobnar now walking around in Studded Leather with long hair. He says he will now perform Rhapsody of Fire music. I don't know whether to be happy or to tear my hair out. I set fire to his codpiece. Again. He was still happy about it.

**Day 128.**

By Kossuth's flaming nose hair. Caught Mr. Eyeliner peeping again. He said he was "scouting" the surroundings. I hate him so much.

**Day 129.**

I lied. Am actually finding Mr. Eyeliner very attractive. His earthy scent draws me like a moth to a flame. Oh, dear ranger. BURN ME, BURN ME NOW! 3 3 3

**Day 135.**

Obese Luskan ambassador very pushy. She ambushed us in the forest. I set her and her elemental on fire. the elemental was ugly, too. I don't look good in black. Red is my color. 3

**Day 140.**

Lots of undead outside. Mr. Eyeliner ran away. Don't leave me, Bishop. ;_;

**Day 145.**

Sand read the tome wrong and brought us to the King of Shadows's sewer. Ew. I set fire to the tome right after he used it, so now we're stuck. Oops. Sand very angry. Still sad over Bishop leaving.

**Day 147.**

My life has no purpose. I want to see Mr. Eyeliner again.

**Day 155.**

Finally near King of Shadows's throne room. Dreams about Bishop increasing in frequency. I will go wherever you go, my flame. I will also set fire to Sand's codpiece.


End file.
